Talking and Listening in the Real World

In most communication training you learn about assertiveness skills, the I-message formula, and ways to paraphrase, also known as active listening. I find that people are reluctant to use these skills because they seem unnatural. It’s not the way most people talk to each other in the real world.

The good news is that you can talk and listen in a way that achieves the same goals without sounding canned. Using your natural language, you can strengthen your relationships at home and at work with better communication.

Talking So People Will Hear What You Say

Have you ever heard the phrase, "I can’t hear what you’re saying because of how you’re saying it?" This happens a lot when people are arguing or want to make a point but are doing it ineffectively because of how they communicate.

Example:

When a man in a position of authority raises his voice or speaks in a condescending tone, I tend to freeze in terror or shut him out. It stirs up rebellion or creates fear within me. This style doesn’t work with me!

If you want to make a point and get me to do something, ask me, rather than demand. Tell me what you want and why, without the over-the-top intimidation tactics. When possible, give me choices about when, how, or where to do it.

SHOWING SUPPORT

Think about what you would say to show support without the canned response of "I can understand your feelings, and I support you in that."

Maybe you would say something like:

• "I get it - I would be mad, too."

• "Of course, you’re mad - you have every right to be."

• "If I had to go through that, I have no idea how I would handle it."

• "Oh man - that is messed up! I would be furious!"

ASKING FOR HELP

It can be hard to ask for help. Some people feel vulnerable when they must rely on someone else. Others may find it demeaning or embarrassing.

So, how can you have this conversation without losing your dignity or feeling like a loser?

It helps to think about what you want to say before you start the conversation. Also, remember to keep it brief and offer to answer questions instead of getting nervous and going on and on about it.

Consider saying something like:

• "This is hard for me to ask, so bear with me..."

• "I find myself in the uncomfortable place of needing help..."

• "I can’t believe I am doing this, but..."

• "I need your help..."

• "I hate to ask, but..."

• "I want to talk to you about something without being too direct (or vague)

Unless there’s ill will, hurt feelings, or a long pattern of constantly needing help, many people like to help. It gives them an opportunity to be a good person or do a good deed. Avoid assuming the worst.

DISAGREEING WITHOUT HARD FEELINGS

One of the most difficult situations is when you have differing thoughts or opinions. This is especially true if you get tongue-tied, angry, or scared when sharing your thoughts. It helps to think about ways to state your opinion without defending it unless it is necessary.

Getting louder doesn’t make your point - it causes people to stop listening. It’s important to be smart, prepared, and calm.

Start your comments by saying:

• "I would like to talk about xyz, and ask that you let me finish what I have to say before responding,"

• "I want to make a point, and it would be great if you would hold your comments until I am finished."

• "This opinion may not be popular, but I think..."

• "I find myself on the other side of this argument/issue/discussion - I think..."

• "I have a different opinion about that..."

And, be willing to listen without interrupting when others speak their truth.

Notice that most of these statements begin with "I." There’s a reason for that. When you speak from the position of "I" you speak about yourself - your thoughts, feelings, and opinions. You aren’t blaming, shaming, or attacking, which what it sounds like if your statements begin with "you."

BONUS:

Avoid the words should, must, and ought - whether speaking to/about yourself or someone else - to avoid blaming, shaming, or “shoulding” on yourself or others